The Very Best of Badphics
by Kat097
Summary: A series of all the poorly written stories known and loathed by phans. Bad plot devices and OOC people in abundance. To include Abusive Raoul, High School Phantoms and Kidnapped Kristines.
1. Saga of an Abusive Raoul

**A/N: This is a very special story. It is inspired by a conversation on POL, where I have volunteered to create a series of stories that are well known to all phanfic writers and readers. It will provide you with all the knowledge and information that one requires to write 'Badphics'.**

**However, these stories will be written purely for entertainment value and I hereby take no blame if you should write such a story and have the BEEP flamed out of you by outraged phans. Also, just to keep it all happy and cheerful, there is much censoring involved. **

**Enjoy!**

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter One: Saga of an Abusive!Raoul**

Main Characters:

Raoul de Chagny – May also be written Raol, Raul, or the Fop. (de Chagny may also be spelled Changy or Chagney)

Christine de Chagny – Christen, Kristine. (if still Daaé – Daee, Daayee)

Erik – Eric, The Phantom, Sex-bomb.

It was a bright, sunny, shiny day in Paris. Christine Daaé was sat in her bedroom of her wonderfully marvellous mansion where she now lived with Raoul. They were to be married the very next day. It had been a whole week since Christine had left poor Erik down in the cellar. And in that time she had quickly realised that maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all, once you got past the craziness and murderous tendencies and she'd much rather be living in his damp cellar than in this fantastic house.

"Oh, my Angel/Angle of Music. How I miss you." Christine sighed heavily, but ever-so-prettily. She began to brush out her long, shiny, gorgeous, curly hair as she sang. Which song? Well let's pick one… hmm, yes, I think we'll go with:

_Angle of music!_

_Guide and guardian_

_Grant to me your glory!_

_Angel of music!_

_Hide no longer_

_Secret and Strange Angel!_

(A/N: Any song from the musical may be substituted, as well as a variety of modern day ones – we recommend 'My Heart Will Go On', 'Bring Me To Life' or anything by Kelly Clarkson or Green Day.)

"Christine?" She turned to see Raoul standing in the doorway, his girly-hair tied into a ponytail with a bright pink ribbon. He did not look happy.

"Christine, you must not sing anymore! It is not fitting for someone who will be my future wife and it might remind you of that horrible, horrible crazy man. You know, the one who tried to kill me."

"I am sorry, Raoul. But I miss my Angel/Angle so much." Christine said, her enormous eyes filling with tears. Raoul hugged her.

"Oh, my poor Christine. I'm sure you will feel better tomorrow when we are married and you will never be able to escape my evil clutches."

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing." Raoul kissed her.

Neither of them saw the masked face in the window. Perhaps because they were so busy smooching.

* * *

"I do."

"So do I."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." The priest said. It had been a lovely, if brief ceremony.

Raoul and Christine spent a lovely honeymoon somewhere. I don't know where, let's say Italy. That's romantic. Anyway, they returned to Paris as happy as a pair of happy sheep. And for quite a while things were very happy and shiny.

And then, for no apparent reason, Raoul began to drink. Whiskey, scotch, vodka, beer, you name it, he downed it. Christine noticed, of course, but could do nothing about it. She was sure that he would get better soon.

One night Raoul returned from a night of heavy drinking and saw Christine sleeping in bed. He climbed into bed beside her, as was customary, and began to grope her. Christine woke up and was righteously outraged.

"No, Raoul! That's bad!"

"Oh, shut up you BEEP. You're such a BEEPING BEEP BEEP. BEEEEEEEEP."

And so they made love, which was not entirely consensual on both sides. However, Raoul was not particularly bothered.

It carried on this way for a while. Things got steadily worse – there are a number of things that may have happened. Further non-consensual love-making, verbal abuse, physical abuse, any other abuse, kitten abuse, more drinking and quite a bit of name-calling (which was just uncalled for).

Finally, Christine decided she had had enough.

"I'm not going to let you push me around anymore, Raoul!" She announced. "I have come to realise that you are not a very nice person. I am going to go and live somewhere else where kitten-abuse is not allowed and you can't get to me anymore!"

"Like BEEP you are!" Raoul said angrily. He then proceeded to beat her silly until she was left quite sore and with several nasty bruises and cuts (A/N: It's important that there are cuts, for reasons that will be explained. And it's also quite alright to have a broken wrist. As long as she can still walk.)

Once Raoul had finished with his rather unwholesome activities, Christine got to her feet, clutching at her various cuts and bruises. Without anyone noticing, she managed to get out of the house and wandered the streets, sobbing and regretting having forgotten to put on any shoes.

By pure magical coincidence she ended up in front of the Opera Populaire.

"Hmm, maybe my Angel will take care of me. I'm sure he's totally over me abandoning him." She mused. She sneaked in and found her way through the mirror, along several stone corridors and then reached a large lake. Without hesitating she jumped in, screamed at how cold it was and then remembered that she couldn't actually swim.

"Oh poo." She cried.

* * *

Erik looked up from his truly magnificent organ. He could have sworn that he'd heard Christine's angelic, delicate, delightful voice say the words 'oh poo'.

He sighed, shook his head and decided to lay off the morphine for a bit.

"Angel…" Christine's weak voice floated across the lair, hitting him in the back of the head. Erik swore, turned and leapt to his manly feet at the sight of Christine clinging pathetically to the gate.

"Christine!"

He jumped into the water, his wet, white shirt clinging to his muscled chest. Christine collapsed into his arms and delicately coughed up half a lung of water. Erik didn't mind. It was Christine, after all.

With Christine barely conscious, he proceeded to dump her on his sofa and went to fetch bandages, salves and water. He began to tenderly clean her wounds, wiping the blood (from necessary cuts) away and binding her injuries.

"Who did this to you? Was it the Viscount?" Christine nodded and Erik clenched a fist.

"I shall kill him!"

"No, leave him. I am safe with you, my Angel." Christine said dreamily. When Raoul had beaten her, all memories of his murderous nature had vanished. Which was incredibly convenient for all involved.

* * *

And so Christine lived beneath the opera house with Erik. She even began to call him Erik, once he had told her his name. They were happy and smoochy and sparky and singy and a whole variety of other optimistic phrases. Until, one day, for no apparent reason, Raoul showed up.

"Christine, you BEEPING BEEP! How dare you BEEPING BEEP off like that! I swear, I'm gonna BEEP your BEEP until you BEEPING BEEPITY BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP!" He announced in a chauvinistic manner. Erik drew a sword.

Raoul drew a gun.

"Oh, BEEP." Erik said. There was a shot and Christine screamed in a womanly fashion. But Erik, totally unharmed, dived at him.

"Die, Fop, Die!" He cried and ran Raoul through with a sword. "You shall never again abuse my beloved Christine or any innocent kittens!"

"I once saw him kick a puppy." Christine added. This drove Erik over the edge and he stepped Raoul again. Raoul staggered back, clutching at his wounds.

"No… NO! I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!"

Too late. He died.

Suddenly Erik collapsed from some random wound he had procured in the fight. Christine ran to his side and the chapter ended on a terrible cliff-hanger, not knowing if Erik would live or die.

The next chapter began and we quickly discover that Erik is alive and well. He and Christine are living in a perfectly charming house, perhaps by the sea. Needless to say they get married, have amazing love-making sessions (which are consensual on all sides) and have kids. Probably twins, neither of which shall be deformed. They also get a cat.

The End.


	2. High School Phantom Drama

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 2: High School Phantom Drama**

Christine Daae/Day/Daye/Daley was going to a new school. She and her Father had just moved to a new town because they felt like it and Christine was very sad at having to make new friends. It was lucky that she was so pretty and sung so nicely, otherwise nobody would like her. (A/N: If you prefer, just kill of Daddy Daae/Day/Daye/Daley and have Christine move in with the Giry's, but only if Madame Giry teaches at the school. Otherwise it just doesn't work.)

She started to go to class, like a good girl. The only person who she didn't get on with was Carlotta/Charlotte/Carla because she was a BEEP and probably a cheerleader. Because all cheerleaders are nasty and stereotypically evil to the heroine.

Christine was happy when she got to music class. This was her favourite class because she was such a good singer. But before she had a chance to sing, Carlotta started to sing in a terrible voice. She was also singing some silly pop song, possibly by Britney Spears. But everyone told her she was good because she was such an evil stereotype. Christine got up to sing and she sang so well that Carlotta instantly decided to make her life very unhappy. She also sang something far more appealing than Britney Spears – probably something from the musical.

Just at that moment Christine saw someone sitting at the back of the room in shadows. He was very hot!11! He was wearing all black, a mask, a hoodie and looked very Goth/Emo. Christine was going to go and talk to him but a footballer, who was very good looking with blonde hair went to talk to her.

"Christine! Don't you remember me? I'm Raoul/Ray/Richard/Robert! I knew you at the seaside one summer!"

"OMG, WOWW!1" Christine said, hugging the person she had not seen for ten years and forgetting about Masked Emo Kid (who shall hereafter be referred to as MEK.) After she and Raoul had caught up, Meg (a blonde and bubbly girl who is inevitably ditzy) came running after Christine,

"OMG, Christine, YOU KNOW RAOUL AND HE IS SO SEXY AND I WANNA HAVE HIS BABIES!"

Christine giggled with her about the cute footballer before going on their way.

MEK watched as the pretty singing girl hugged the horrible footballer who inevitably bullied him everyday because his life sucked. He had an abusive mother, was horribly disfigured, had no friends and the only music he knew was emo rock. Generally Evanescence but he could also play Green Day.

Sighing in a tragically hot way, he went about his daily business of being mocked and plotting the downfalls of enemies and daydreaming about the girl he didn't know the name of and had only seen briefly from a distance but knew to be his soul mate because he'd heard her sing for a second.

* * *

At lunchtime, maybe that day, or maybe another day for time has little meaning within the world of phanfiction, Christine went to the cafeteria. Raoul was not there so she decided to take pity on MEK and sit with him because she couldn't find Meg. He was very suspicious but instantly charmed by her lovely disposition. They started to talk about music and decided that, for no other reason than both of them thought the other one was hot, they would have some music time together.

So they did. There was much singing, and angst, and guitar solos and a lot of sexual tension. But Christine was vaguely distracted by the fact that Raoul wanted to go out with her and also that he wasn't such a nice guy after all.

So Erik (for it was he) and Christine were walking along when Raoul appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey you, MEK!"

"My name is-"

"Get your hands off my girl!" Raoul shouted. Christine started to cry, looking beautifully angelic with pearly tears running down her cheeks. Raoul ever-so-coincidentally knocked Erik's mask off and was appalled by what was beneath.

For poor, poor, hot, Erik was deformed. And, when I say deformed, he had three whole pimples and a bit of a rash. Raoul stumbled back in horror.

"OMG, THAT'S SOOOO GROSSS!" He cried in disgust. Christine ran to Erik's side and hugged him.

"Oh, poor MEK. I still love you and want to have your deformed-yet-sexy babies." She assured him. Erik was very grateful for this. Raoul disappeared, leaving Christine and Erik to make out in a convenient thunderstorm that drenched them both to the skin.

* * *

The next day at school there was a big confrontation about Erik's horrible face. It was very traumatic, as Raoul took Erik's mask off again and everyone was horrified. But Christine still loved him, so Erik didn't mind as much.

Luckily, Raoul was caught bullying our poor MEK by some friendly passing teacher (perhaps Madame Giry) and was suspended for being so mean. Then it was graduation and everyone except Raoul and Carlotta passed with flying colours, despite none of the students having attended class or done any homework except for on the first day.

And Erik and Christine went on to have long and happy lives, with no abusive parents, footballers, cheerleaders or stereotypes of any other kind.

(A/N: Take plot. Stretch over a dozen chapters. Add a healthy handful of angst and post.)

(A/N: That last A/N was the writer cheating and not bothering to write out the entire plot because they just want to write the parts where Christine and Erik make out. Maybe in the rain.)

(A/N: For Chapter 3, make sure to read up on your morbidity stories, preferably from the morbidity contests – go to www . angelfire . com / scary / darkphiccontest / for your research)

A/N: omgz, read and review cos Erik is so HOTTT!11!ONEONEONE!


	3. Morbidity High Jinks

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 3: Morbidity High Jinks**

I strolled through the streets of Paris purposefully towards my destination. (A/N: To properly get inside the insanity of the character, write in first person. Never fails.) Nobody noticed me, with shovel and lamp and sack and wheelbarrow. Why would notice someone walking down a street in Paris in the middle of the night with all these things? This sort of thing happens ALL the time!

It was a wonderfully morbid night. Gloomy, gloomy clouds covered the sky and there was a big full moon. Full moons are ominous. I stopped to think up some fitting thought about the ominousness of the moon before carrying on my merrily morbid way.

Finally I reached the graveyard and began to dig. And so I dug. I dug and I dug and I dug and in an attempt to meet the minimum word requirement of the contest, I dug and I dug some more.

And then I realised that this was the wrong grave. "Oh BEEP." I said mournfully and decided to be much more careful next time as I piled the poor fellow I'd dug up back into his coffin.

So I went to the next grave and, after reading the headstone, I began to dig again because this was the right grave this time. I was rather tempted to sing that that jolly tune about whistling whilst you work from that fairytale. You know, the one with the lady in the coma and the seven vertically challenged men. I didn't, of course. It WAS a graveyard after all. It wouldn't be fitting at all.

So I dug and I dug and I dug and I dug and then I had a little break, with a cup of tea and a biscuit. And then I dug some more.

The dark, damp earth flew over my shoulder to form a large pile. I sighed, feeling rather tired by this point. Digging up a body, putting it back and then digging up another one is very taxing on the upper arms. But I dug and dug.

Suddenly my shovel hit the coffin. Success! I was very pleased, since I'd been digging for a very long time and was getting bored. I threw my shovel to one side and began to open the coffin lid. There was a little _puff_ of dust as the dirt escaped from the coffin and there, within the silken folds of the wooden box, was my beloved.

I grinned down at my darling. My darling grinned back. My darling was, after all, a skull. A remarkably attractive skull, but still a skull. Never mind.

I pulled my darling up out of the grave and sat the poor thing up against the gravestone.

"Well, fancy meeting you here!" I said in a jovial tone. My beloved did not reply, not having vocal chords. I expected this, but hey, I could keep the conversation up anyway!

"How have you been? Apart from dead? It's terribly good to see you again, I'm missed you dreadfully, what with you being deceased and all." I said in a very sane manner for someone who had just dug up a corpse and was now attempting to make small talk with it.

I sat for a while, holding the bony hand of my darling. Bony in that it was nothing BUT bone. But I didn't mind because I'm PERFECTLY SANE. That's right. Sane as sane can be.

Ho hum.

Anyway, I hugged my darling tightly because I love my darling so much. I kissed my dear love's lips, spat out a couple of maggots and kissed my dear some more. My darling wasn't particularly responsive, but I put that down to being dead.

So I sat all night with my lovely skeleton. Which I loved.

"Oh, my darling Raoul/Erik/Christine." I sighed lovingly and sanely. "I do love you."

For it was I - Meg/Carlotta/Madame Giry/Random Twist! And of course it makes perfect sense because I secretly loved Raoul/Erik/Christine all along and now they were mine forever!

….In a perfectly sane way, of course.

**A/N: Um… well, this isn't so much a badphic as a parody of the morbid contest entries! There are some wonderfully written ones but you nearly always get at least one where someone is digging up an unknown corpse and proclaiming their love. And there's always an abundance of crazy characters, because they're fun. Anywho, stay tuned for the next helping of badphics!**

**And here for your enjoyment, by TheAngelCried is a lovely piece of phanart, mostly comprised of stick figures, for the characters of Chapter 2. It includes MEK, footballer Raoul and even the convenient make-out rainstorm! **

http/ img100 . imageshack. us / img100 / 8461 / picture0299wr . jpg

**Enjoy it! I certainly did!**


	4. The Inevitable Sex Scene

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 4: The Inevitable Sex Scene**

**This is a rather different chapter. It is here for the sole purpose of showing you exactly what can happen when a poorly constructed story is being flamed like crazy and the author's mind starts to think like this:**

**Author's mind: OMGZ, why don't they like my awesome fic? I is an awesome writer! Awesome is teh me. Why won't they review? Ooh, I no! I will write Eric and Xtine having teh sex and every1 will lurve meeee!**

**So here it is – The Inevitable Sex Scene. However, after consulting my trusty comrades at POL, we were unable to decide where this ISS would take place. So there are two locations. We are also assuming this is Erik from the 2004 movie starring Gerard Butler. Because, frankly, who wants to BEEP a skeleton?**

**ISS# 1 – The Organ.**

Erik had taken Christine down to his lair. For no particular reason. As they climbed out of the boat, they looked at each other and were filled with sudden lust.

They started to kiss passionately, their tongues invading each other in a manner that can only be described as messy. Erik began to eat Christine's neck and she moaned. Just so you know, there will be a lot of moaning in the following chapter.

"Oh, Angel! Take me now!" She moaned (told you so). Erik looked at her blankly.

"Take you where?...oh, right!"

He lifted her and went to the organ, where he put her down on the bench. Christine moaned. Erik looked down at her and felt a stirring within his heart/pants.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" He demanded. Christine looked up at him with lusty eyes. Erik proceeded to try and undo her corset, gave up, ripped the damn thing open and threw it away.

"Oh, Angel!" Christine cried passionately at this display of unbridled passion.

**CENSORSHIP NOTICE**

**We would like to announce at this point, that there is a lot of activity in the following section that is highly unsuitable for those of a young age and/or stable mind. For their benefit, there has been heavy censorship. **

Erik BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP thrust BEEP BEEP BEEP with BEEP BEEP enormous BEEP BEEP BEEP manhood.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP, Angel!"

"Oh, Erik, BEEP BEEP BEEP!" Christine moaned.

Erik BEEPED and BEEPED.

"aAAAaaAaaaahhh!" Christine moaned. Erik looked down at her, and BEEPED BEEP BEEP BEEP sheathed BEEPITY BEEP BEEP length BEEP.

"ANGEL!"

"ANGEL!"

"ANGEL!"

And all the while, a raucous noise was emerging from the organ.

Finally Erik BEEPED his BEEP from Christine's BEEP and they collapsed, side by side no the organ.

"Oh, Angel, I love you." Christine declared, as she lay in Erik's arm.

**ISS #2 – The Bathtub.**

**Take above story.**

**Replace Christine and Erik in bathtub.**

**Add the following phrases: Sloshing, slopping, slipping, ripples etc. **

**For true authenticity when using the Gerard Butler Erik, make his… ahem… _manhood_ exceedingly large and add twice as much moaning and screaming of 'Angel' from Christine. Because for a man who originally had the physique of a skeleton, it is quite alright to have certain parts of his anatomy to be ridiculously oversized.**

(And here, for your added amusement, is an authentic example of an Author's Note)

A/N: OMG, dey had SEX! Now I'm not gonna update until I got two gazillion reviews! Mwahaha, I is so awesome!

(A/N: This is a real A/N. I won't be doing a period Mary-Sue, simply because I don't want to step on the toes of '**The Beamy Golden Sunlight Rays of Angst'**. I can't recall who wrote it, but if you want that sort of parody, go and read it! Next chapter: Modern girl goes back in time for no apparent reason!)


	5. Modern Girl in a Backwards World

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 5: Modern Girl in a Backwards World.**

Ok, so I'm, like, this girl called Tinkerbelle Anastacia Maria Suzetta Jones (my friends just call me Belle for short) and live in the year 2006! I'm 15 and have long shiny blonde hair and huge orb-like blue eyes like the ocean and perfect skin and to-die-for body. And, like, guess what! I so totally LOVE the Phantom of the Opera! God, that was the best movie in, like, ever!

I decided to have a Phantom sleepover, where all my other phantom friends came over. My friends are, like, so totally awesome and are all totally good looking and they all love Phantom too. But not as much as I do, obviously, because I'm, like, the biggest Phantom fan in ever, because I can so totally relate to him. Because I'm all dark and whatever on the inside, and my favourite band is Evanescence and nobody can see into my soul the way I know Erik could. Because Erik is such a sex-bomb. Apparently there's also a book about him, but I don't think he's so hot in that, so I haven't read it.

Anyway, I just HATE the ending, cos, like, Christine the slut left Erik for that FOP Raoul and because I'm so much smarter, I would totally have stayed with Erik.

So – back to the sleepover. We were just doing our thang; dancing, eating, laughing, giggling and, of course, watching the phantom of the opera. My best friend, Tina, turned to me and said,

"So, Belle, what would you do if you met the Phantom?"

"Oh, I would, like, love him forever and help him heal from when that whore, Christine, abandoned him." I said, in a very heroic way that made all my friends admire me. Then another of my friends, who had been dancing, knocked into me and, like, totally sent me flying towards the TV!

Except, I totally didn't hit the TV! I opened my eyes and gasped in a pretty way.

I was back in the Phantom of the Opera time and standing in the Opera Populaire! Like, OMG WTF! Anyway, I totally knew what I had to do, so I went scooting along to Christine's dressing room, even though I was still in my PJ's. But my love was far deeper than PJ's for that to stop me! So I ran heroically through the corridors, conveniently not running into anybody. Which was, like, totally cool.

I got to the mirror and examined it. I only knew ONE way to get Erik to arrive! So I sang, in a perfect voice, since I got all the leads in the school plays and was well known for being so perfect in tone.

_Angel of music!_

_Guide and guardian_

_Grant to me your glory!_

_Angel of music!_

_Hide no longer_

_Secret and Strange Angel!_

And so I waited for, like, Erik to get there. But nothing happened, so I totally forced the mirror open and, like, started to walk down the five floors and jumping into the lake to swim across to the gate where Erik was. And suddenly he was lifting me out of the lake and said in a totally-hot voice,

"Who are you?"

"I'm Tinkerbelle Anastacia Maria Suzetta Jones. But you can, like, call me Belle." I said, delicately coughing up a lung of water. So much more delicately than Christine ever could.

"What are you doing in my home?"

"I'm from the future and I wanted to let you know that I love you!" He pushed me away in a totally emo, but so totally hot way.

"Nobody loves me. I'm ugly."

"No! I love you! And I, like, know everything about you!" I cried, running after him. "I'll totally prove it!"

And I pulled off his mask. He stepped back, totally surprised that I wasn't, like, running or screaming or whatever.

Anyway, yeah, after that he was totally cool and decided to teach me how to sing. Cos I'm great, remember? So much better than slutty ol' Christine. And then he decided to, like, put an opera on and told the managers upstairs to hop to it!

Oh, yeah, continuity – the opera house is, like, rebuilt.

So, I totally blew them all away singing Point of No Return/Think of Me/Whatever and Erik was like "Whoa! You're so much better than what's-her-face!"

"Christine?"

"Who now?"

"Oh, like, never mind." I smiled as sweetly as chocolate-coated baby rabbit eating a sugarcane in springtime.

So, we were all, like, in love and Erik was SOOOO hot and he totally knew how to make me feel amazing, even though he was, like, twice my age and I was underage. Hey, when it's this good, why fight it? Lol!

Anyway, one day I was, like, with Erik on the roof of the opera house, for no reason at all. But it was, like, all pretty with the sunset and whatever. And suddenly I was TOTALLY struck by lightening! The last thing I remembered was Erik calling my name before I passed out.

When I woke up, I was back in my bedroom, with all my friends standing around me!

"Belle? Are you OK?" Tina said, all worriedly. I sat up and looked around. Like, oh no! I was a total dream! I couldn't tell my friends what had happened and they all went back to whatever they had been doing.

And then I saw a red rose with a black ribbon lying by the television and knew that it hadn't been a dream. Erik and I had shared a love that would last throughout the ages!

Or, you know, whatever.

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Real life has an annoying way of creeping up on you. And it usually brings exams! I did do a little research into this sort of story and couldn't find one with an ending, so I made one up. **

**On a slightly more serious note – let me point out that this story is, in fact, a parody. I'm not mentioning names; I'm not pointing at one particular person's story and saying "Hey, that's crap! I'm going to mock it!" I am parodying the many overused plots and clichés that are permanently returning to the world of phanfiction. Perhaps this is a little childish, but hey – everyone needs a break from writing permanently serious stuff every now and again! I'd like to think of this as a 'What Not To Do'. **

**Freedom of speech is fine. Let's just make sure it goes both ways, OK?**

**It's a little depressing that this rant is longer than the actually chapter! Lol!**

**Read, review and accept my eternal luff**

**Katie**


	6. Like Mother, Like Predictable Daughter

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 6: Like Mother, Like Oh-So Predictable Daughter**

The carriage drew up outside the Opera Populaire, in that way that carriages do. The recently rebuilt opera house shimmered and glowed and sparkled and did a number of over surprising things that made the lovely young woman who stepped from the carriage gasp.

"Gasp!"

She climbed the steps to the opera house, not noticing the admiring looks she was receiving, being so lovely and young and completely modest. The two managers rushed forward in a bustly sort of way.

"Miss de Chagny!"

"How delightful that you could join us!" They gushed. This proved to be quite messy and distracted the characters long enough to give me time to devote plenty of time to the description of the woman.

She had long curly brown hair, the exact colour (but not texture) of chocolate. She had large, dark eyes, the exact shade of a similar brand of chocolate. Her skin was extraordinarily pale, rather like milk, but certainly not like milk chocolate. Her figure was slender, yet curvy, and somehow slim, but also hourglass-shaped. She had smile that people wanted to eat, like chocolate and she was the sweetest person that anyone ever had meet. Sweet like chocolate.

It goes without saying that she looks exactly like Christine and is the daughter of her and Raoul. But that information is much less important than exactly how well one could use the word chocolate to describe her various aspects.

"Good day, mishears." She cooed. "I have come to audition for a part in your opera!"

The managers agreed immediately and Cecelia Prudence de Chagny made her way to the stage, where Carlotta glared, and sniped and was generally unpleasant as Cecelia began to sing.

_You have brought me_

_To that moment where words run dry_

_To that moment where speech disappears into silence_

_Into silence_

_I have come here_

_Hardly knowing the reason why_

_In my mind I've already imagined _

_Our bodies entwining _

_Defenceless and silent_

_Now I'm here with you_

_No second thoughts_

_I've decided_

_Decided_

_Past the point of no return_

_No going back now_

_Our passion play has now at last begun_

_Past all thought of right or wrong_

_One final question_

_How long should we two wait before we're one?_

_When will the blood begin to race?_

_The sleeping bud burst into bloom?_

_When will the flames at last consume us?_

Everyone stared with their mouths open. Several people choked to death through fly-inhalation, but nobody noticed, because they were staring at this amazing Christine-look-a-like with her amazingly racy lyrics, yet lovely demeanour and not a single person complained that the entire chapter was almost completely composed of cut-and-paste lyrics.

From the rafters, Erik stared down.

"She is not Christine. But she looks like Christine and sings like Christine. And if it walks like a Christine, and it talks like a Christine, it'll do." He said decidedly. So once Cecelia Prudence arrived at her new dressing room, he hid behind the mirror and began to sing to her.

She gasped.

"Gasp! Who is there?"

"I am the Angel of Music?"

"Oh, you mean like the Angel of Music that my mother, Christine, told me about?"

"Sure, why not?"

And so began their relationship as teacher and student. Erik had not aged at all, which really was rather convenient, so one must assume that he either possesses magical powers, the Elixir of Life or a TARDIS. Cecelia Prudence's skill heightened everyday and she blew everyone away at the opening night. Once they had picked themselves up, they all applauded raucously. Cecelia Prudence blushed oh-so prettily and made her way to her dressing room, through the hoards of adoring fans.

Erik was waiting behind the mirror.

"Hello Cecelia Prudence. Come with me, I shall take you to a place of darkness and mystery, where you shall turn away from garish light of day to the music of the night."

"Oh, how nice!"

So he took her down, down, down into his deep dark world. Not in a sexual way though. And he played her the music of the nigh and she was so overcome with passion that she passed out and he placed her upon his enormous bird-shaped bed.

When Cecelia Prudence awoke, he had returned to his organ. Pipe organ. Organ with pipes. She began to recall the events that had led her there.

"I remember… singing and applauding and walking and downing and singing and fainting and now waking and listening and ooh, what's that over there?" She wandered over to Erik and began to caress his face. Not having learned from the previous event, he closed his eyes in a dreamy manner, only to have her remove his mask. But instead of gasping, shrieking, screaming, weeping or laughing, she simply kissed him.

He was quite surprised.

Luckily Christine was perfectly understanding about her daughter and her previous stalker taking up in such a fashion.

"If he makes you happy and you make him happy, I am happy." And so everyone was happy. Even Raoul, for some inexplicable reason.

Cecelia Prudence and Erik had a child, who was in no way hideously deformed/slightly deformed/barely deformed at all. Their favourite was a bright little girl named Angelique, who sang like an angel and possessed many chocolatey features and was perfectly charming, just like her mother and grandmother.

And so they lived happily ever after. Of course.

**A/N: You know what I love about this story? I can sit down and fill half an hour of boredom with utter crap and it won't matter because it's supposed to be like that! Thank you all for the reviews. And thank you for the hilarious flames! I don't know which make my day better – people who appreciate my story, or people who think that this is a serious story! Don't worry if you don't get some of the jokes. I visit a lot of Phantom sites and I've picked up the occasional private joke along the way.  
**

**In other news – I made it into my top university! **

**In more other news -** **have been chosen to partake in the POL Author Interviews! Which basically means you'll have a chance to ask me questions about writing, me, my opinions on life, my opinions on cheese… pretty much anything really! It's such an honour! If you would like to ask a question here are the rules: **

**No more than 2 questions (3 at a very big push). Try and make them individualistic. If there are lots of the same kind of question, they'll be smushed into one to save time. Do not send questions to me or post them in a review! My lovely Beta has been stuck with the task, so either PM them to her through FFN (TheAngelCried) or email them to her at phantasyfreeme (at) hotmail. com Remove the spaces to get the right address. Mention a username, or if you wish to remain anonymous, mention that in the email/message. **

**You'll have until 31st August to get your questions in. So get thinking and have fun!**

**Love**

**Katie**


	7. The Phantom Baby

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 7: The Phantom Baby (Could Also Be The Phantom Menace, I s'pose)**

Erik was miserable as he wandered around the Opera Populaire. It had been two months since Christine had run off with Raoul. That was the last time he sacrificed HIS happiness for someone else!

So as he angsted around, feeling sad and depressed and wondering if he would ever love again or if life was even worth living or if run-on sentences were really as bad as everyone said when he heard a strange sound coming from the front of the opera house. A rather annoying noise, actually. He went to investigate and found a bundle of cloth sitting on the front steps of the opera house, in the snow, because snow is far more tragic then a bright sunny day. So it was on a cold, snowy night that Erik looked down at the screaming little bundle.

There was a note on aforementioned screaming bundle, addressed to Erik. He was rather surprised at this. It wasn't often he received mail.

_Dear Erik, _

_This is mine and Raoul's baby. It's a bit funny looking so we figure it's yours, despite the fact we never had sex and is therefore completely illogical, but what the hell. You keep it._

_Christine_

Erik looked at the baby and gasped. It was just as deformed as he was! Possibly more so, because it didn't even his fantastic hair! After checking, he discovered that it was also a girl, so it probably didn't even have his raw animal magnetism.

Still, this probably gave him a reason to live, or some such crap. Maybe Christine would come back to him if he showed that he could stand looking after living creatures for more than fifteen minutes on a good day.

And so Erik proceeded to raise the baby and called her Aurora. Of course, he didn't change nappies and whatnot, as that would be far too unattractive and unmanly. But somehow the kid survived and he even gave her a little mask of all her own. True, she became rather more attractive as her hair grew and she got older, because in case no one noticed, babies are not attractive. They tend to be a bit wrinkly and dribbly, but I digress.

So, a few years on – let's say about sixteen, so she's the right age for phangirls to fantasise about, Aurora became a lovely young woman with long dark hair and huge green eyes and big full lips and greats boobs and perfect skin and other sickening qualities that would have made other women hate her if she hadn't been skipping around a cellar her whole life. She was also a fantastic singer, but that probably just goes without saying.

And so Erik and Aurora lived a rather unorthodox sort of lifestyle, singing and talking and haunting the opera house. In fact, it was probably a very good lifestyle, with them spending lots of quality time together, something that might not have happened in contemporary society.

So… where was I? Ah, yes. The "plot".

One day, whilst on her daily haunting, Aurora noticed a very handsome man with the managers. Apparently he was to be the new patron of the Opera Populaire. He had some kind of hair, and eyes of a particular colour and he was probably well-dressed and hot. Describing guy isn't as fun as describing girls. They don't even have boobs.

Anywho, Aurora quite liked the look of this patron and decided she wanted to get to know him better, despite the fact that her father had always told her that patrons were no-good-sons-of-witches-with-stupid-hair. But Aurora thought that this patron had quite nice hair.

"This is our new patron, the Viscount Pierre de Frenchname." Andre said pompously. Firmin nodded in hearty agreement and Pierre smiled dashingly at the performers.

"I will be at tonight's gala. I'm not entirely sure why there's a gala tonight, but I'll be there anyway."

Aurora also decided to attend the gala. Erik was not so pleased by the thought and forbade her to go, but she did anyway because she was a spunky young woman with very modernised ideas. So she tied up Carlotta, who would have been performing and went onstage to sing instead, as this was sure to attract Pierre's attention. She sang… oh… let's say she sang something by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Pierre noticed this masked girl and thought she was very beautiful. After the gala he went to find her and they totally hit it off. But Erik found out and was highly miffed that a) she had ignored him and b) the patron had got the girl again.

So he strung Pierre up with his Punjab lasso and told Aurora that either she never saw him again or he killed him, because apparently he hadn't learned his lesson from last time. Obviously Aurora couldn't lay the smoochies on him, him being her daddy and this not being one of THOSE fics, so instead she sang some heartbreaking song about true love and overcoming obstacles and how important family was. Just use one of those Disney songs, they're pretty much the whole deal.

And so Erik saw the error of his ways and gave his blessing to Aurora and Pierre, who lived happily ever after. Oh, there was probably a masquerade ball somewhere in that as well, but I've already written happily ever after and I sure as hell ain't going back in there!

**A/N: Hmm, this seemed more sarcastic than my usual ones. Probably because I had to trawl through pages of fanfiction, trying to find an Erik-finds-a-baby story that actually had an ending! I couldn't in the end, so I just made it up, which was highly frustrating. Huge thanks to the darlings at POL for inspiring me on this chapter! I know it's been ages since my last update, but I've been crazy busy lately. Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Love**

**Katie**


	8. The Reverse Gender Phantom

**The Very Best of Badphics **

**Chapter 8: The Reverse Gender Phantom. **

OK, so there's an opera house sometime in 1800's with a phantom(ess) who haunts it and whatever.

The phantom(ess)'s name was Erik…a. Yes, Erika. That'll do. She had been living in the Opera Populaire since some traumatic childhood fairground thing,

There was also a handsome young tenor called… Christian? Sure, that makes sense. Christian was a great singer and he was in the chorus but longed to be the lead in the opera. But there was this jerk called Carl who was not really a good singer but for arguments sake had the main part anyway.

Anywho, so Erika was crazy in love with Christian and wanted to give him the main part, since she knew he was a better singer, having been training him since he was a kid.

Then this girl called… hmm, what's a feminine version of Raoul? Aw, hell with it. Raouletta had been friends with lil ol' Christian when they were kids. She heard him singing in the gala (which Erika had gotten him into) and totally invited him to dinner, even though it would have been hugely inappropriate in this period, and why the hell was she even at the opera without an escort? Does she WANT to be mistaken for a prostitute?

Ahem.

Anyway, Christian is all "no can do, childhood friend. My Angel of Music is gonna come sing to me." At this point Raouletta insisted he join her, because crazy is so hot. So she wandered off to organise her carriage and left Christian to get into his (white lacy corset and dressing gown) manly pyjamas. And then he heard this heavenly singing and it was Erika.

You know what? I can't be bothered.

Take the plot of Phantom of the Opera. 2004 movie version only please, none of the others are ANYWHERE near as hot as Gerard Butler in an open shirt, obviously.

Reverse every name to be of the opposite gender. Screw up Charles Hart's carefully sculpted lyrics with your own interpretations.

And remember to ignore anything anyone tells you about some dude named Gaston Leroux, cos he basically did nothing anyway. Wrote some book that didn't have hot people in it. Who cares?

….

OK, fine. I'll carry on.

Erika takes Christian down to her Lair of Fire Hazards and schmexes him up in a fantastically inappropriate but steamy fashion. She then shows him a mannequin of him in a tux, or whatever. He passes out and she drags him to the bed and leaves him there, since she would obviously by incredibly skinny, apart from all those obligatory "curves in all the right places", a phrase I am loathed to use even in parody form.

He wakes up and takes off her mask (hmm, I didn't actually mention her wearing a mask. Oh well) and she throws a total hissy fit and slaps him good. Remember kiddies… abuse is still abuse if the woman is doling it out.

He weeps. She weeps. She takes him back up to the opera house, where Raouletta is doing her nut.

There's an opera. Some lady named Josephine Bucket suffers death-by-plot hole. Christian says Erika did it and freaks out, dragging Raouletta to the roof to tell her of his fears. They sing some butchered version of All I Ask Of You and Raouletta takes poor ol' Christian away from the terrible Erika, who has another hissy fit.

There's a masquerade ball. Hissy fits go all round. Christian heads to his Mummy's grave and warbles about his lonely life without her. Erika sings to him. Raouletta shows up. Cue more hissy fits and bitch slappings.

Raouletta comes up with an ingenious plane. Ten brownie points for the in joke there.

They put on Erika's opera (hmm, didn't mention that either). Donna Juanina Triumphant, or something. Christina mulls about the stage, wishing he could throw a hissy fit. Erika shows up and gets all seductive and schmexes Christian up, whilst Raouletta has a hissy fit.

Christian rips of Erika's mask, everyone is shocked at her… well, I want to say deformity. Anywho, Erika (with freakish strength) forces Christian down to her lair and gets all hissy fittish.

Raouletta shows up and they all sing about stuff whilst having hissy fits. Christian smooches Erika to save Raouletta breaking her nails. Erika gots all emotional and tells them to piss off because she's PMSing and who the hell are they to come in messing up her home without even offering to help out?

And they all lived happily ever after. I suppose.

**A/N: Hmm, that was a weird one. Yeah, I was feeling a little anti ALW, since he's decided to make a freakin' sequel to Phantom based on the bloody Forsyth novel! I haven't read it, but I have heard so many bad things about it that I don't want to! Any guy who bloody has the gall to say that Leroux was 'wrong' and that Webber's version is so clearly superior can just… do something bad. Damn you, Forsyth. Damn you, Lord Andy. Damn you both!**

**You may have guessed that there are many outraged phans on the loose.**

**Anywho, sorry about that outburst. Leave a review and have a nice day!**

**Love**

**Katie**


	9. The Slash Fic

**The Very Best of Badphics **

**Chapter 9: The Slash Fic**

Raoul strode through the Opera Populaire for no other reason than he had little else to do and he felt rather important. He began to walk towards Christine's dressing room, for she would be able to tell him just how important he was.

He knocked on Christine's door.

"Oh Christine! It is I, Raoul, your handsome and so very manly viscount!" There was no reply. This left Raoul somewhat miffed. He pushed open the door to make absolutely certain that Christine was not there. She was not.

"Oh poo." He declared in his very manly tones.

* * *

From behind the mirror, Erik observed these goings on with some interest. For of course, every time he had declared his love for Christine it had been a very secret, subtle, sneaky, sly, surreptitious declaration of love for Raoul. All the signs had been there. You just had to be looking very closely, reading all the signs far too deeply and ignoring the entire plot of The Phantom of the Opera.

Erik watched as Raoul ran a manly hand through his silken, golden, shiny locks and felt very happy that his love used such fine conditioner. This seemed as good a time as any to reveal his secret, subtle, sneaky, sly surreptitious love.

He slid open the mirror and Raoul leapt to his feet, having sat down at some point. He drew his sword. Erik got very happy. Raoul tried to stab him with the sword. Erik got deliriously happy.

Raoul missed. Erik got sadder.

"Oh, Viscount. Why have you come here to taunt me?" He said, in a deep, dark voice. Raoul stared at him.

"I came to find Christine. You know, that girl we both love."

"How can you be so blind? Surely you must have realised that it is you alone that I love!"

Raoul became alarmed.

"But how can this be? You always said that you love Christine!"

"Wrong!" Erik shook his handsomely deformed head.

"But you said, 'Christine, I love you…'"

"No! No, it was a secret message to you. You didn't get it?" Raoul stared at the masked man, somewhat disconcerted and puzzled and confused.

Erik sighed.

"Oh, my Viscount. How can you no understand my love? My longing to take you into my curiously tanned and muscled arms and tell you how very important you are…"

And quite suddenly Raoul saw Erik in an entirely new light.

"Why, I understand! I realise now, quite suddenly that I also love you and my feelings towards Christine were nothing more than those of a brother to a sister, which does rather freak me out with the whole making out thing, but-"

Erik placed a finger to Raoul's pink, kissable lips.

"Not another word, my love! We must away, before we are discovered!"

So hand in hand they fled the Opera Populaire quickly and hastily and with great speed.

* * *

Christine opened the letter that was left on her pillow.

_Dear Christine,_

_It is with great sorrow that we must inform you that we have eloped. _

_All the best_

_Raoul and Erik_

"Who's Erik?" Christine wondered. She shrugged and put the letter away, rather wondering why the phantom had always cried "Christine, Christine," in that rather heart-breaking tone. Oh well.

Meg entered and looked at her friend with large eyes.

"Why, Christine! Whatever is the matter?"

"Oh, it's such a long story…" Christine said, looking over at Meg and suddenly realising just how kissable and pink her lips were, "Why don't we go to your room and discuss it?"

**A/n: Well, dears, it has been such a long time! That horrible real life is constantly nagging at me. Let's see, I've left university since it was horrible, have gotten a job at a DIY store, am struggling to keep a social life whilst paying off debts and am hoping to return to a different university and course next September. **

**All in all, not a lot of time or inspiration left for fanfiction. This update doesn't mean there will be regular ones on the way, because I simply don't know what is going on with my life. I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed in the time since I last updated. It's nice to know that I haven't completely sunk into oblivion! **

**Anywho, I hope I can update soon with something a little more substantial and maybe carry on with 'Behind Closed Doors' as well as this. **

**All my love**

**Katie**


	10. Kidnapped Kristine

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 10: Kidnapped Kristine**

There once was a girl called Kristine who lived somewhere. Let's say England, because that's where I live, although most are set in American towns. You know what, just set it wherever the heck you want.

Anyway, this girl called Kristine was very beautiful with long chocolaty hair and eyes and a great figure and so forth. She could probably sing too. She lived all alone, and had no family because they all died tragically somehow. She did, however, have a best friend called Meg and a potential love interest called… a name beginning with R. Um… Ray? Yes, that'll do. Ray.

So Kristine went on with her life, singing and working, maybe going to school if she was of the age and completely unaware that somebody was totally watching her! Yeah! But not in a stalker-ish way, nope, never,

One day Kristine went to dinner with Ray and he told her that he liked her.

"I like you, Kristine."

"I have doubts but am too attracted to you to do anything about them." So they made out.

The not-a-stalker watched, in a very angry way.

Kristine was very happy with Ray, and Meg thought it was absolutely great that they were together. Because Meg is always happy. And sometimes slutty. But not necessarily, so we'll just ignore it, cos she doesn't really matter.

And still the stalker-who-was-not-stalking continued to not-stalk.

One day Kristine went to bed. Well, she tended to do this everyday but today it mattered. She was sleeping very peacefully when she suddenly awoke, realising that someone was in her room. She was alarmed.

"Oh!"

Before she could move from her very alarmed state, she was knocked unconscious by drugs. Not from a club or anything, cos that's not been romantic since cavemen did it. And even then it was something of an etiquette no-no. For hell hath no fury like a woman who has been bashed on the head. (Just as a side note, drugs are not cool. Ever. Except alcohol, which makes you big and clever and an excellent dancer, but only in moderation and when you're old enough to drink it.)

She woke in a beautiful room, which had been furnished just for her. There were clothes and books and stuff. You know, material possessions that Kristine, being so wonderful, felt no need for.

Kristine got up and looked around at all the things and began to feel a little worried. Just a little bit. And after she was worried there was a knock at the door and in walked a man with a mask and great hair. He had brought her breakfast, which was a very gentlemanly thing to do.

"Why have you brought me here?" She demanded, but he merely looked at her.

"Because I love you."

"No you don't!"

"Totally do. I'm Erik, by the way."

And that was the end of that. For many many days, Kristine was locked away and singing and generally unhappy, although she started to suspect that there was a warm fuzziness to Erik's cold and frosty exterior. You see, Erik was very lonely in his enormous mansion with all his belongings and home stereo system with surround sound, not to mention having his own sushi chef and chocolate fountain.

You can see why he was so sad.

As Kristine and Erik spent more and more time together, Kristine decided that maybe she should try to get away from this terrible life of luxury. So she sneaked out and left Erik truly heartbroken.

Everyone was very glad to see her, especially Ray who had hunted high and low and near and far and to the left, to the left and just a step to the right, he bent his knees in time and so forth.

But after a while Kristine realised that she rather missed Erik and so decided to go back only to find him a broken mockery of the human condition due to his abandonment issues. But when she begged for his forgiveness and wept in a lovely fashion (which is so fake, cos no one is pretty when they cry. You get all snot nosed and bleary eyed and your mascara gets everywhere, but that doesn't happen to her obviously) he took her in his arms and kissed her.

Oh, and at some point in there, she took of his mask but by that point loved him for who he was and decided that with the amount of money he had, he could just get surgery.

And they lived happily ever after with all of Erik's money.

**A/N: Hello dearies, how have you been? Lol, I'm expecting one or two comments on the alcohol thing, but who cares. If you can't take a joke… **

**So, leave a review and hopefully I'll have another chapter up before December! **

**Love**

**Katie**


	11. The XOver

The Very Best of Badphics User name placeholder User name placeholder 2 50 2008-03-24T16:49:00Z 2008-03-24T16:49:00Z 1 1121 5169 114 59 6231 10.2625 Clean Clean 6 pt 2 2 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 / Style Definitions / table.MsoNormalTable mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";

**The Very Best of Badphics**

**Chapter 11: The X-over**

Erik was sat sitting in his cave below the opera house, plotting a plan to make Christine his. He had just returned from the Masquerade ball, having managed to freak out everyone out, steal some blinging jewellery and got a good grope of Christine's breasts. Not a bad night in all.

Speaking of which – where was the ring?

Suddenly Erik was quite alarmed by a small grey creature slithering under the table, clutching the ring in his grimy little fish hands.

"My preciousss…."

"No, my bling. Give it." Erik said, decidedly miffed, and was still further miffed by two tiny men falling into the room.

"Sméagol! That's not the one ring!" Cried one, with strangely wide eyes. They were followed by a young fellow with flowing blonde hair, a dumpy little guy with an axe and a sexily sweaty man wielding a sword.

Aragorn stared at Erik. Erik stared back. Slowly they began to move towards each other, pulsing with desire-

Oh, sorry! That's a different story. Heh.

"What are you all doing in my lair?" Erik demanded. The blonde-haired poof looked around, astonished.

"You mean this _isn't_ Mordor?"

"Accio Ring!"

For no apparent reason other than to move the plot along slightly three young people appeared out of nowhere. One had a lightening shaped scar, one had frizzy hair and one was ginger. The ring flew from Gollum's trout scented fingers and Harry Potter caught it.

"Ah ha! Yet another Horcrux! Surely this will add excitement that really boring part in the seventh book where we do nothing but camp for months!"

"You go, Harry!" cried Ron Weasley, excited that as a sidekick he was getting a line.

Erik had gone beyond miffed into the stage of moffed. Two of the tiny men were rifling through his kitchen cupboard, the grey one known as 'Sméagol' was in the lake, the dwarf had put his stinking feet on Erik's favourite leather chair and the elf was leaving blonde hairs everywhere – the exact reason why Erik didn't want a pet.

Meanwhile the three magical kids were examining the ring.

"You know, Harry, it is my pompous and overbearing opinion that this is, in fact, not a horcrux at all." Said Hermione. Ron was about to speak again when the door was thrown open and a drunk pirate entered, followed by a stick insect and a lad who looked strangely like blonde elf but with dark hair instead.

"Savvy?" Said the drunk pirate hopefully. As Erik was not entirely sure what this meant he chose to ignore the new arrivals and turned his attention the ring-stealing brats.

"That is my ring!"

"Oh, is it? Terribly sorry." Harry said, tossing it back to him. Hermione nodded approvingly.

"You have rather nice taste in jewellery."

"Well… I didn't choose it. I sort of… stole it… anyway, get out. How did you get here in the first place?" Erik demanded, kicking Gimli out of his chair. Hermione cleared her throat.

"With the use of a time-turner and an unsteady set of stairs that we inconveniently fell down whilst wearing the one time-turner between us we-"

"Savvy rum!" shouted the pirate. Erik punched him and the stick insect pouted incredulously before carrying the pirate out, followed by the pretty boy.

Sméagol climbed out of the lake and dove for the ring, biting off one of Harry's finger as he went. Frodo's eyes widened further.

"No, Sméagol! Don't do that!" He cried, on the edge of tears. His fat friend took over and kicked Sméagol in the ribs, which did nothing except piss of Gollum and make Frodo cry.

Aragorn had had enough.

"That's it! Sméagol, take us to Mordor!"

But just to put the icing on poor Erik's cake, the lair turned itself upside down. Literally. Hermione looked puzzled.

"I think we'd better get out of here." Ron opened his mouth, no doubt to make some wise-crack but they all apparated, leaving Erik and the Fellowship of the Ring to stand on the ceiling unhappily. Erik especially so. It was simply unreasonable for him to think of a wonderful plan with these oafs trampling all over his lair! And whoever had turned it upside down was going to be VERY sorry…

"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you!" Cried a man below them with excessively large hair. The girl before him looked thoroughly confused at the change of scenery and once the man had looked around he paused.

"Wait… this isn't right." He glanced up at them and sighed. With a wave of his hand they were right-way-upped. Sarah looked at Jareth.

"What's going on?"

"Hold on, I've lost my place." He stepped back and every man in the room looked away as his tights bulged. Hermione hit puberty and apparated back into the room.

After a moment of muttering Jareth cleared his throat.

"Ah yes – I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave." He looked at her imploringly. Erik perked up and grabbed a piece of parchment.

"Wait, what was that? That was pretty good."

"Oh, for-! One cannot seduce underage women with an audience!" Jareth threw a crystal ball into the air and he and Sarah vanished. Disappointed, Hermione disappeared again.

The fellowship looked around. Aragorn cleared his throat.

"Well… I'm not really sure what happened here. Perhaps we should be on our way."

"If you wouldn't mind terribly. And take your fish man with you." Erik said snidely, waving a hand at Gollum. As they trekked out, Erik sat down at his desk and began to write a song that he might be able to seduce Christine with.

Just outside his door a girl with garishly red shoes and a yappy dog looked doubtfully around.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." She said to her companion, Luke Skywalker.

**A/N: God only knows what happened there. It was just a sort of 'lets put in every character from everything ever!' Hopefully it amused. **

**Lol, I'm surprised that nobody yelled at me about the alcohol thing! I also found it deeply disturbing that I expected to be reprimanded for that when there are fourteen year old writers adding random rape and parental abuse into their stories like it's the most acceptable thing in the world.**

**Anyway, any ideas for the next chapter? I'm officially out of ideas!**

**Love**

**Katie**


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